


Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

by exbex



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Character Study, Coming Out, Light Angst, M/M, Other, Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 07:02:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6694228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exbex/pseuds/exbex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So he shows love in ways that society deems acceptable, ways that an athlete, a man, is allowed to show it, the teasing ways that his accent and his imperfect English allow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

**Author's Note:**

> Check Please! belongs to Ngozi Ukazu

Alexei spends a lot of time thinking about appearances, words, and actions.

Because he’s large and because he’s an athlete, and a man, and speaks English with an accent, people don’t recognize, at least not readily, that he wants to love, needs to love. It’s an ache within him, and it transcends desire or lust or even friendship. There are several Greek words for love, Alexei knows. None of them quite describes the kind of love he feels. Philia comes close, agape even closer. Alexei likes words, knows that they’re powerful, but he is aware of their limitations, and he knows that he needs actions.

So he shows love in ways that society deems acceptable, ways that an athlete, a man, is allowed to show it, the teasing ways that his accent and his imperfect English allow.

His teammates seem to understand this. The rookies sometimes take a little longer to catch on, and Jack especially seems to be slow to warm up to him sometimes. Alexei keeps trying.

He has his greatest reassurance when Jack tells him about Eric. Alexei wants to wrap Jack up in his arms and assure him of his protection, but his accent and the other realities of what the world deems acceptable for a man, an athlete, lead him to throw one arm around his shoulders and say something teasing about pie instead. 

Jack only seems slightly reassured; Alexei can feel it in the tense set of his shoulders, so Alexei lets his guard down, his expression softening, and says what he wants to say in Russian. Jack doesn’t understand Russian, but he seems to understand Alexei anyway, because his body relaxes and he smiles, and Alexei takes a snapshot of it with his mind, to lock away and take out when he needs some comfort.

**

Eric Bittle is an enigma. He’s everything that society says he’s not supposed to be. Certain aspects of his appearance would indicate that he’s soft, but there’s a steel there, forged by all of those expectations and not quite meeting them. 

When Eric makes him borscht, Alexei thinks that it’s gratitude at first. But somewhere between the first bite and the last, Alexei meets Eric’s eyes and realizes that Eric is trying to make a balm for him, fill up something inside Alexei that’s been empty for too long.

Eric lets Alexei pull him into his arms. Eric doesn’t understand Russian, but he lets Alexei say everything he needs to say. Alexei decides in this moment that anyone who wants to hurt Jack or Eric will have to go through him. Because he’s a man, an athlete, and he speaks English with an accent, this is one of the ways that society has deemed acceptable for him to love people like he so desperately needs to. And it’s a stroke of luck, perhaps, that this is good enough, for now.


End file.
